been there done that

6:35 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

cos if it happened once, it can happen again

cos it happened before

cos if exceptions are made bec many think they should be made, everyone else will think the same of everything else, especially bec things are magnified at this level

one fine day nobody will know what "many" is anymore

everyone will just make mistakes all the time and always expect to be forgiven

there's the problem of moral and ethics

on the other hand, what if the situation's really different?

but then, how do you know if it really really is?

what's the gauge?

there're a lot of complications involved dude.

thats why sometimes it's easier to be heartless so you dont have to think so much

you think they're making things complicated

do you really understand the reason behind things?

you're really making things even more complicated for them, saying all that you're saying

you're really making who you care for hurt more, saying all that you're saying

do you really really honestly truthfully understand?

it's the same everywhere, i guess.

but then again, why am i bothering when it doesnt concern me at all.

lol.

{EDIT\}

it's really the same everywhere.

it's so similar, so unfair, i feel like laughing.

{EDIT\}

not only are situations the same

people are the same, too

6:18 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

it's like you're inviting me to advance, yet at the same time i've got to keep my distance.

but then after a while you suggest that i should retreat.

there's a void i dont know how to fill.

what do i do?

{EDIT\}

i tried.

really.

but receptivity is important too.

it takes 2 hands to clap.

nights.

11:45 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

it's not major bitching sessions i love

it's the ability to spill everything without holding a single thing back that i love because that person understands you so so... well

9:03 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

i'm so proud of myself.

i actually composed a poem in my head while walking around in school today

one that's styled completely differently from anything i ever came up with

except i dont remember it now ==

see. being emo aint such a bad thing after all

cos you discover a different side to yourself (:

3:53 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

can you stop going on about how i'm being inconsiderate?

what about yourself?

have you really thought from my point of view?

you want me to think from everyone else's, but what about me?

who spares a thought for me then?

you said you understand, but do you, really?

you said i dont, do i really not?

everything you say everytime you talk to me, you're just repeating everything.

i don't think you understand what i think, really.

if you did i really don't think you'd be like this.

you don't see how tired i really am.

you don't know how long exactly i've been tolerating all that shit.

you don't know what happened.

i can't tell you what i want because i don't wanna hurt you.

in the end you told me exactly what i didn't tell you.

shows a lot doesn't it.

that i care too much.

that i put you before myself.

that i shouldn't have done that.

why did i even tell you the gist of my unhappiness?

why did i even think you'd understand?

why did i even try to pretend nothing was ever wrong?

fk. why?

i can't even tell anyone anything because i need to keep this facade going.

do you even understand that?

what exactly do you understand, really?

i don't get it.

not a bit of it.

10:40 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

in the midst of everything, of all recent events

i realise i've forgotten how to really smile

really laugh

be really sincerely truly happy

i've forgotten how to joke

i've forgotten how to take things in my stride

i've even forgotten to keep up-to-date w everything happening to friends outside pj

what kinda lousy friend am i

i've been really self-obsessed haven't i

i haven't really talked properly to qianning

not yuge

not amy

not hazique

not (fill in names of many others)

this is bad

real bad

it has to be because of this that i'm losing my equilibrium

倘若生命真是一場賭局

那我已不知輸了多少場

命運，難道不是自己掌控的嗎

怎麼，最近好像掉進了漩渦

什麽也控制不了

我被龍捲風捲走了

回來時，好像變了另一個人似的

那龍捲風怎麼把我也帶走了

怎麼剩下的只不過是軀殼

現在的我該怎麼辦

到處流浪找不到自己靈魂的軀殼

留著，又有什麽用呢

11:36 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

so that's what normal is.

i get it now.

6:57 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Wednesday, Feb 24th, 2010 -- Although you could still be in a stressful situation, it feels more manageable today as your key planet Venus takes the spotlight. Unfortunately, you might not be ready to appear on center stage now as you try to stay out of sight. Your impromptu strategy won't likely work because you don't really have anywhere to hide. Fortunately, your simple presence may be enough for others, so you don't have to reveal more than you want to at this time.

hopefully tomorrow will really be better.

5:04 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

sensitivity sucks to the max.

really.

there are 2 kinds of it -

sensitivity towards things that hurt yourself,

and sensitivity towards things that hurt others.

which one do you think you are?

{EDIT\}

i thought i'm unfeeling enough.

they're worse.

5:02 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

either i'm really naive, or i'm the dumbest person alive.

why can't i just have it stuck in my head that that wall didn't build up by itself.

that the existence of that wall there isn't for nothing.

that my inability to confide fully in anyone didn't stem from nothing.

that there's a reason for that inability to be unable to go away.

that forcing myself to do things i can't never works.

why is it that i remember all these only when everything within gives way.

why is it that this time i can't get up.

why is it that this time i can't stop crying.

why?

really.

i should just keep everyone at arm's length just like before.

i shouldn't even question myself why i find it so hard to express my feelings and what i think.

i should just accept myself the way i am because my subconscious mind is obviously protecting myself.

because my consciousness can't protect me from anything at all.

because my consciousness is curious.

and curiosity kills the cat.

at the same time my consciousness obviously suffers from selective amnesia.

so whatever happens thereafter i shouldn't feel anything

whatever happens, however i feel, i should always remember it's for the better of the future.

apparently my chances at survival are higher being detached from everything else.

4:47 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Wednesday, Feb 24th, 2010 -- Although you could still be in a stressful situation, it feels more manageable today as your key planet Venus takes the spotlight. Unfortunately, you might not be ready to appear on center stage now as you try to stay out of sight. Your impromptu strategy won't likely work because you don't really have anywhere to hide. Fortunately, your simple presence may be enough for others, so you don't have to reveal more than you want to at this time.

4:31 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.