Sunday, September 21, 2008

1:25 AM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

i actually used a plain blue ballpoint pen to write my diary entry and then cancelled it out in frustration. thing is i barely even know what i'm writing -.- blaa~

oh and the diary entry from sheena that i copied out:



still quite surprised with my extremely small handwriting. apparently i can write damn small when i'm in the mood. not bad somemore. XDD

10:36 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

i keep getting the sickening feeling that i gained weight from all the eating i've been doing the whole time yuge and i went mugging together.
so.
i went to take my weight today.
and guess what.
46kg from the original 43.1kg that i was in april.
bmi: 15.79 --> 16.896
waist: 23inches --> 24inches
WHATTHEHELL I SWEAR I'M GOING SWIMMING WHENEVER I CAN AND SHED OFF THE WEIGHT AND FATS.
i've been feeling so guilty about my weight gain i didn't eat anything except a bowl of porridge.
then a bottle of chicken essence.
finally couldn't tahan and had a chocolate waffle and honey stars.
but the thing is although i really want to eat my chips i DIDN'T.
oh my god laa i don't care i'm going to stop all my junk food and finger food eating I'M ONLY GOING TO HAVE PROPER MEALS THAT'S ALL.
hard yup, but my weight is more important.
omg. T.T
i wanna cry, curl up and die.
yayness.

so. yuge said she can go swimming with me.
mau didn't say that. she said."l0l swimming. zhengjun [her boyfriend] wants to go swimming too."
i said,"if he's going i don't want to go with you. i'm not used to swimming with [random] guys [that i don't really know.]"
and she said,"l0l dots."
VERY DOTS MEH. ):
HMPH. >:(
qianning won't go de.
she can't swim.
even if she goes she'll just sit there and watch me like a mummy watching her kid swim.
sot ah.
so boring.
so don't think she'll go.
shopping.
maybe.
XDD

and i think i'm sot.
i want to purchase a whole new set of makeup kit TO HELP OTHERS DO MAKEUP.
siao i know.
i don't put on makeup unless i really have to.
but i like putting for others.
haven't done that for darn long.
my skills.. well.. don't know. >< style="font-weight: bold;">yuge: big deal.

edmund: ahaha dun worry la.

mau: l0l dots.

tuanqi has yet replied.

MY BMI SHOT UP I GAINED 3KG WHAT BIG DEAL. IT IS A BIG DEAL! don't worry.? i wanna cry. my bmi's nearing edmund's. AND DOTS! OMG! T.T

{EDIT\}

ive been puking recently.
don't know why.
not because i'm bulimic la.
gah.
hai.

7:20 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Friday, September 19, 2008

haha dear girl damn cute ah.
texted me suddenly and said, " cannot cannot. i'm darn worried about you. you know what happens when a person charges straight ahead, keeping his head low and not take notice of what's ahead? that's exactly what you're doing now. and seriously what's gonna happen to you very soon will be that you'll crash into something damn hard and hurt yourself darn badly. it hurts to see you like that you know. you've seriously changed a lot this year. more extroverted yet effing withdrawn. eh please. if you're upset, i rather you cry all day everyday until you finally feel better and go back to your old self than being the way you are now. it hurts seeing you like that seriously. hai."
sweetheart i'm okay la. at least i'm telling you everything right and not keeping them to myself ma (: thanks for being so concerned la haha :D

i swear there's something going on between yuge and tuanqi. they were super in tune with each other during tuition today. XDD

after tuition went JP library with yuge to see masu zpin and one of their friends. l0l damn long never see zpin already haha. no idea if she changed or i changed. if she never changed.. well.. guess i never really understood her.? she felt.. distant. :\ but well. still. missed them both lots. a little weird not to see mel with them though l0l.

ahh okay mood going a tad downhill.
'cause of the realisation i don't really know others the way i thought i did.?
guess so.
hai~

{EDIT\}

okay yes i'm darn tired emotionally already.
can?
bla.

I WANNA GO SHOPPING AFTER PROMOS.
AND SWIMMING.
WHO WANTS TO?

i don't know if i should go work at my aunt's or not.
she hasn't asked.
but i can always ask.
and i need to get away.
and i wanna work too.
but thing is, i don't want to go without friends.
WHO CAN GO DOWN TO KL WITH ME.
haha bullshit la who can lo please.
who'll want to.
so far.
bla.

and then i might not want to go search for kids who want tuition already.
i mean, i'm teaching only because i like kids.
not for money.
and i like group style.
not individual.
it's hard to get a group of kids to tutor la.
i mean, i don't have much experience lo.
so maybe just go look for other jobs.
but i really need to get away from Singapore la bloody hell!
HAI.
think maybe go and teach religious studies.
no pay yup, but it's fun.
the kids are damn cute.
sure they're little devils BUT!
we've grown close.
it's fun and great pleasure teaching them.
so.
gah don't know la.
it's damn troublesome going back to malaysia holding a Singapore passport.
you have to queue and get your passport stamped at the malaysia checkpoint.
sian.
my parents la.
cleverly go change my citizenship.
now i'm double citizenship.
holding a singapore passport.
..
thanks ah.
yuk.

crazy me went to emo for 2plus hours
-.-
HAI.

{EDIT\}

and saw this on a friend's blog:
"dont refuse the care and concern of other people."
ya she was referring to someone else, NOT ME LUH l0l.
i don't know what happened, but in my opinion, people do that when they lose faith.
it's not that they're refusing the care and concern of others.
sometimes, when you've experienced hurt and things,
so much so that you find it hard to trust people and their sincerity anymore,
that's just the way we are.
we aren't trying to be difficult.
we tried to search for concern from friends.
true sincere concern.
and when we thought we found it, we realise everything's fake.
after this repeats a few times, we lose faith.
and we find it hard to trust.
[yes dammit i'm having difficulties expressing my thoughts.]
frankly?
i'm not sure who i really trust anymore.
especially their concern, or rather, the show of concern for me.
lets see, from the thank list thingo:

1) yuge:
sure i trust her. (:

2) edmund:
harsh with his words, doesn't have as much patience with me like i hope he does, but i do understand my emotional breakdowns and problems can get very irritating and things so yep, i trust him. :D like, yup, scolds me and things, but at least i see things clearer and become less.. umm.. dumb? yup. like that incident with jon. and you-know-who.

3) theodore:
er. think so? yup. cuz we don't talk all that much anymore.? haha

4) qianning:
*blinkblink* not that i don't trust but.. nah a certain person apparently requires more attention doesn't she. ch. stupid self-centred bitch. okay i'm not gonna bitch about her here don't worry qn. but nope. don't really tell her every single thing like i did before. sad yes. but what can i do. what do you want me to do.

5) maureen:
don't want to trouble her with my problems. she's leading a happy life with her boyfriend. why bother her.

6) jinxian:
*shakes head and walks away* wait long long ah. trust you? nah. don't think i can even tell you any of my problems. you know what response you'll give. you don't give a shit anyway. sense no sincerity or anything. like, fu1 yan2 me only.

7) zhiwei:
umm.. don't really talk that much anymore.? haha don't know why also but yup. she can be trusted. (:

8) julia:
can be trusted too.

9) mel wong:
yup. but not that close already. different schools and things already ma.

10) masu:
yup. but different schools and things and blaa~

11) zhengpin:
feeling.. distant. but yup, the trust is there.

12) hannah:
i don't know. i think she's bothered enough with her own problems and we aren't that close anyway. how to tell her my problems?

13) jiali:
nah. really not sure. the concern.. .. hmm..

14) huiqi:
don't know. but the concern, yup.

15) cheryl:
don't know. but the concern.. maybe.

16) pamela:
haha. trust her yup. to crack me up. LOL!

17) tuanqi:
hmm yup. but not everything yet. heh.

18) sheena:
sure.

19) hazique:
ditto.

20) stanley:
yup. think so. (:

21) xiwen:
haha yup. :D

i know i was being harsh back up there, especially to a few but.. :\ haiya. don't know laa~

oh and i realise i can't look at people straight in their eyes while we talk when i don't feel close enough with them. like, i daren't look into the person's eyes. scared of the person luh. okay dumb yes i know. gah.

10:03 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

read something pretty interesting. quite true too.

basically, to sum it up, we're all wrong about Buddhism.
Buddha did not tell us to avoid love and lust and everything.
Buddha didn't say by avoiding all these we'll achieve happiness.
It's the way we interpreted His words that we perceived the Dharma and His teachings that way.
Buddha was a prince, He had a wife, and a son.
and anyway if we were all really to avoid all these things, won't human have to go extinct?
yup.
the way to attain true happiness is by seeing the truth as it is, instead of being shrouded in misconceptions and everything all the time.
Religion is a means for us to seek shelter under, thinking by relying on religion we can escape suffering and attain true happiness. it's also something that helps us feel more at ease, like, when we're scared or something we start chanting phrases from scriptures and things to help calm ourselves down. the sufferings and fear are still there. it's just pushed all the ay into our sub-consciousness and hence we do not realise that it's still present.
OKAY I'M HAVING A LOT OF DIFFICULTIES TRANSLATING CHINESE TO ENGLISH AT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT OMG.
go find the book at MPH yourself.
got mine at MPH@Jusco, Skudai, Malaysia.
i'm sure Singapore has it.
title: Crossing the line, you're a Buddha [你和佛陀之间只隔着一条线]
author: 吴九jian [ i don't know how to read that character la]
ISBN: 978-986-6834-20-2
the cover depicts a statue of Buddha holding a bottle of XO. LOL.

6:06 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

got scolded today.
why?
because.. well.. let's see..
sore throat + flu + cough + a lot of phlegm for like, 2 weeks plus already.
and then i had another slight fever i forgot when.
and i puked quite a fair bit just now.
and now i have an eye infection, albeit a slight one.
and then my asthma is like, being suspected of making a comeback, AGAIN.
okay actually i don't believe the asthma thing.
i mean, i had so many false alarm already lo please.
ya, breathless and things but well.
*shrugs*
lala~
yes i can barely breathe now.
you know what my friend asked me?
"eh you damn stressed is it. your blog like.. somebody hurt you is it? hurt and stress.. eh. actually. you've changed a lot you know. especially since jon and xx. and then there's your clique thing in school. are you okay norts."
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! what can i say :\
oh and then she also said, " i won't be surprised if your asthma comes back. in fact i wish something happens to you and you have to take a break. like, a looooooong break. you really need one."
wow. evil girl. tsktsk. my personal counsellor wor. xoxo girl. iloveyou.thanks for your support. don't worry la i'll be fine. :D

6:06 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

yes don't mind the hair. it's qianning's head.

darn pissed with a certain someone today.
this time you better have the brains to realise i'm really talking about you.
pissed me off last thing last night pissed me off first thing when he texted this morning. (Y)
asshole.
effing unreasonable.
it's like, i could sleep at 12plus. then because he pissed me off so much, especially after i was so upset that my mind suddenly became blank and could come up with nothing for G.P., we ended up arguing into 1plus.
this morning darn tired.
and you people know how much i hate arguments.
so i woke up feeling darn horrible.
..
thanks ah.
AND THEN.
i dragged myself to wash up, and decided to have chicken essence.
not as yummy as before.
funny.
so then.
dragged myself off to school.
read good luck messages from friends.
cheered up a lot.
panicked about the paper with hazique and stephanie.
went to the exam hall.
entered.
braced myself for the paper.
and began writing..........................
I TOOK A FREAKING HALF AN HOUR TO CHOOSE THE QUESTIONS BRAINSTORM AND ANOTHER 20MINS TO COME UP WITH AN OKAY INTRO LA OMG.
thats how badly my mind went blank.
suddenly cannot write introductory paragraphs. (Y)
was choosing between:
1) 'Greed is largely responsible for the rise in crime.' Discuss. (i think the question went that way. can't remember.)
AND THIS:
2) ' The sale of organs should never be legalised.' What are your views on this ___ (i seriously forgot the exact question.)
and i cleverly went to choose the organ thing though i'm a hell lot more confident about the greed thing JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T COME UP WITH AN ACCEPTABLE INTRO.
(Y)
i came out cursing and swearing and screamed right into sheena's ears and sheena hazique and stephanie were, quite obviously, darn shocked.
and then they were like ZHIYU WHY WERE YOU SO DUMB WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THAT QUESTION OMGOMG!!
yes i know i'm darn dumb T.T
right.
then i went grieving. (:
so after that went in again for compre.
SUCKS I TELL YOU.
12mins for summary ohmyfuckinggod.
at least i hit 135words the first time thankgoodness.
the word limit was 130.
+5 so 135 can la. (x
then the questions.
i nearly cried la please.
stunned there for a minute for practically every question.
traumatising experience.
and i was pining my hopes on G.P. -.-
not bad ah.
the passage was about happiness though.
quite thought-provoking.
then i went day-dreaming about playing with my cousin for a minute -.-
basically i think my G.P. die.
yayness.
so after paper2 i came out, checked my phone, saw a new message and thought okay this must be edmund suan-ing me about my idiocy (i told him about the essay thing) and then it turned out to be SOMEBODY pissing me off.
win already.
argued la.
all the way through econs lecture.
(Y)
didn't even have the mood to ogle at shuaiges.
so pissed my words were illegible and were freaking big as compared to the words in my essay (i wrote quite small i don't know why) and the pressure i used when i wrote..
well..
you can still tell what i wrote after flipping 4 or 5 foolscap pages behind.
(Y)
sheena got quite a shock and kept asking me to relax.
think mr khoo thought i wasn't willing to attend lecture l0l.
when it was all SOMEBODY's fault.
fuck.
oh and my left eye is like, sore.
yes i've got a sore eye.
(Y)

and so.
i suddenly became MOOOI yesterday.
a dog.
a CHIHUAHUA.
long-haired chihuahua.
see below:



yes.
horrid huh.
yuge finds it funny.
i said i shall cry.
(:

right.
so.
THANKS TO ALL WHO WERE WISHING ME GOOD LUCK LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING BEFORE G.P. :DD
though i still, um, did badly, i think
):

I WANNA LISTEN TO SONGS!

random~

OHYA SOMEONE PLEASE ACCOMPANY TO SWIMMING AFTER PROMOS.
i'll appreciate it greatly.
and i mean swimming.
those damn hiong ones.
not sit in the bubble pool thingy under the sun enjoying sun-tanning [looks at mau and smile ((:]
XDD
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT LA I REALISE I'VE BEEN BINGING QUITE A FAIR BIT THIS ENTIRE MUGGING PERIOD T.T

6:06 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

right. yuge left school just when i thought she should be reaching marsiling. (Y) so now i'm what, waiting for her again. .. at woodlands library. she REFUSES to stay at woodlands libary. why? because it's far from her house. excuse me la why are we always going je library. can't it be alternate. >:( damn it I DON'T CARE HOR AFTER PROMOS WE MUG AT WOODLANDS LIBARY. OR STARBUCKS. HMPH.

so. no school today. consultation day. being the sudden hardworking me i dragged my lazy self from bed at 7.30am and went to school for G.P. consultation with mrs fadzleen. wahaha. i was earliest! :DD yup. then. i'd say G.P. consultation was productive lo. sad i had to leave halfway for A.P. term paper consultation with mr sas though ): which, i don't think is as useful as compared to G.P. consultation because tomorrow's G.P. paper and Lit paper5 isn't until next friday? yup. i could have gone for A.P. consultation another day ma ): so they discussed a hell lot more essay questions and points. without me. ): hai~ oh and spencer was shocked to see stephanie talking so much today and hence he decided to record her voice LOL! i bet if stephanie know she'll be sooo... pissed. LOL! yup. and well.. mr sas said our language as shown from the term paper was bad ): JUST AFTER MRS FADZLEEN TOLD ME JUST TO GIVE MORE EXAMPLES FOR G.P. ESSAY AND I SHOULD BE JUST FINE MY LANGUAGE WAS OKAY. sad luh.hai. now what. bla. do something about my language lo ): so. yup. i'm gonna look up for more examples on various topics for G.P. essay. and hopefully i can ace G.P. or something. at least don't do as badly. i don't have confidence in other subjects la ):

OH AND SPEAKING OF LANGUAGE. omg la i can do King Lear, which is like what, Shakespearean language, olden english language or something i can't do A.P. which is like what, modern english language by a local poet somemore. -.- win right. it's like, i didn't do as badly as i thought i will (yes my confidence for lit is like, horribly battered.). i was expecting less than 10 for the CA test we did for King Lear during the holidays since i really 乱乱写 one lo. and what did i get? less than 15, still sucks yep, but more than 10. goodness. happy la but yup, not that happy. i mean, not very high either ma. so ya, went to consult Mdm Pathrose and apparently, not only am i supposed to give more examples and elaborate in further details to improve for G.P. the same applies to King Lear. like, give more important quotes, textual references, and analyse. hmm.. kae la i know i write pretty vaguely ):

ooh yuge reached. i shall update later :D

{EDIT\}

right. everyone knows i'm pissed with you.

EXCEPT YOU YOURSELF.

seriously you know.
are you plain idiotic, or are you just being egoistic?
goddammit CAN YOU STOP THINKING I'M INTERESTED IN YOU?
IT'S DARN ANNOYING.
DO I HAVE TO GET MYSELF ATTACHED BEFORE YOU'LL BELIEVE ME?
wtf.

darn pissed.

oh well. PJCO pics:

don't try and spot me please!
i look daaarn weird T.T

dammit la i had a lot to blog about until he came and pissed me off.
hai.

seriously, i really wanna sigh all my troubles out.
HAI~~
i don't want to fall back being the stupid me.
i'm not gonna elaborate hehs.
embarrassing.

so.
we went to mug.
left.
met qianning.
went home together.
edmund commented he went to mug and enjoy the accompaniment with cute girls at the same time LOL!

right. G.P. paper tomorrow.
seriously if my mood affects my performance i'll hate that guy.
trust me.
i will.
not the first time he pissed me off.
not the first time people hurt me and affect my performance for exams.
but it shall be the first time i'm really gonna hate that person.
eh mister, i really have zero respect for you anymore.
don't make me hate yu the way i hate jon.
harsh i am, yep, but you were the one who told me i should learn to stand up for myself anyway, isn't it so.
ch.

{EDIT\}

fell asleep the moment i reached home and didn't wake up until nine.
realised i'm not only physically tired, i'm also mentally and emotionally tired.
i used to be okay as long as i get my 6hours of rest.
now?
after all these rubbish happened?
i can't seem to get enough sleep.
i had another weird dream during my nap.
don't feel like checking it up.
probably the same as the others.
hai.
it's as though i'm using sleep to escape from my unhappiness.
i, okay, i was hurt by somebody in the dream.
hai.

1:16 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

12:12 AM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

12:05 AM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

10:42 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Monday, September 15, 2008

okay someone had to come and tell me yes i really need more care. okay lo thanks lo i thought i got enough care already and then you have to come and tell me that just because of my dreams. just because dream dictionary was basically telling me i'm under a lot of stress i need more care and concern from others.

nola i think my mind was just trying to get attention from me or something. i admit i've been trying to ignore it and be happy. but i really think sometimes i should learn to ignore what my mind is trying to say. emo thoughts should be pushed away. maybe i'm just too used to being too concerned with all these random things that get me down. ): so yup. i think people ARE showing me enough care and concern it's just that my mind wants more attention. we should NOT spoil my inner self. (: i mean, i don't want to be self-obsessed.i don't understand why i became such an unhappy person. i used to be happy-go-lucky and things. and it's like, the way i appear does affect my mood quite a fair bit. so. i should not give in to my inner self. my inner self's just being a naughty girl. spoilt brat tsktsk. result of me giving in to it too much la. see. must learn to control it now. *shakes head*

11:10 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

11:07 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

i didn't really blog for one day and all my weird dreams came back -.- right. so. the dreams. the night before the last i had this funny dream where pj's campus and rv's malan road campus looked combined and i saw ms EUHONGLENG omg. she came asking why i dropped chem why i'm not taking h2 chem T.T omg la. and she looked really tired and frail. scared the hell out of me. but yala, felt super guilty as well ): then suddenly my gsc teacher came and wanted me to carry, uh, five long, supposedly heavy poles to the pe room for him. with another guy. omg la. some guy who really exists in real life can. nvm the guy got nice eyes LOL. yup. and the way we carried the poles there was darn weird and it wasn't even heavy can omg. and after we carried the poles there i walked quickly away from him. then i saw a group of people from taekwondo and began running away. sot. okay i don't feel like elaborating more. the more i thinkk about the dream the more freaky it gets. it's like, stuck in my head so much that i actually went to notice the guy in school today and was thinking to myself omg i actually really dreamt of him wth is wrong with me T.T but actually hmm.. he's not bad la.. though i still think he's not that shuai4, not matter how much people keep protesting and telling me he is l0l. AND HAHA! i saw my ec today! okay la i don't really ec him anymore -.- he's not shuai4. OKAY WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I KNOW. yep. and last night's dream was weirder. i dreamt i was married. wtf right. yes. and i dreamt "my mother-in-law" kept pestering me and my "husband" to give her a grandson quick. and locked us in the room every night -.- i protested i was only 17 she said aren't you 20? and i said no i'm 17!! and she said okay nevermind that's only 3years difference. -.- stupid i know. and i kept asking my "husband" why am i still not pregnant how long is this going to last i was getting really upset and my "husband" just reassured me and said to let nature take its course and take things slowly. -.- right. mad i know. haven't checked the dream dictionary yet. going to later. omg la.

oh and today i was being darn idiotic. took 150mins to get home from school. i boarded 67 instead of 187 by mistake. I THOUGHT I SAW 187!? ya and i didn't realise it until i got to little india -.- stuuuuuuuupid. seriously who else can be as dumb as me please. so yup, took the train to dhoby ghaut, then to marina bay and back to woodlands so i could get a seat. and i recounted the entire thing to jinxian by mistake. wanted to send the text to someone else then i scrolled too fast and overshot to his contact. !@#$%^&*() yes. super embarrassing. he had a great time laughing at me. ugh. nevermind! i shall embarrass him here and announce to everyone how he is a jinx to li jia wei! yes. THE TABLE TENNIS PLAYER FOR TEAM SINGAPORE LI JIA WEI. you know that day she was playing the match against i-forgot-who in the olympics jinxian was watching her play. then she lost every match until he went to his room. then she won. and he decided to take a peek out of his room at her. i forgot if she nearly lost or nearly won. he watched. she lost. he went back to his room. she won. yup the whole incident was something like that. can't remember the exact thing clearly. HAHAHA! see! he jinxed her kae i swear! i bet he jinxes me too. if i happen to text him when i'm not suay i become a bit suay. if i'm suay, like today, and i text him, i become more suay. see. jinx. ha! someone should go find out who his girlfriend is and tell her how much of a jinx he is and embarrass the hell out of him XD

suddenly feeling darn hardworking these days. i actually booked GP A.P. King Lear and Econs consultation on wednesday and friday believe it or not. and i'm actually planning to finish my 'o6 and 'o7 math promos paper by tomorrow. and i'm going to do I&R after this post. even though mrs fadzleen allowed me to hand in my draft on wednesday when i see her for consultation. win already right. i know. what's wrong with me these days. even i myself am scared by myself. omg.

talked to yuge about relationships that day. like, yup, BGR. and i'm quite sian by it already o.o academics are my priority anyway. always has been but :\ realise i don't think i want any relationships at least for now since i find it so hard to trust people already. don't know la. maybe i'll really end up agreeing my aunt for real this time and stay a bachelorette. LOL! okay la. don't know la. she doesn't encourage me to follow her footsteps anyway. NONE OF MY AUNTS AND NOT EVEN MY MUM ENCOURAGES ME TO. :\ find it hard to trust people now and i'm happy being single what. ): so yup. haha!

suddenly took notice of my eyes and eye circles in the mirror today. it's the colour of chocolate la omg!! and i have eyebags!! T.T hai~

{EDIT\}

To see your teacher (past or present) in a dream suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test.

To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private. It also represents feelings and behavior regarding your intimate relationships. A messy bed represents a difficult relationship.

To dream of going to bed with a stranger suggests that you are making friends too fast. You need to be more cautious. [i don't know who my "husband" is :\]

To see a pole in your dream, represents security and stability. You always have something or someone you can lean on. [what rubbish.]

Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. A dream that strongly features blue may symbolize your spirituality and optimism for the future.

Gray indicates fear and confusion. If everything in your dream is gray, you may feel emotionally distant or detached. This is a common dream to have if you're feeling sick.

White in dreams represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, awareness and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Success will be yours.

Yellow symbolizes that you are now, or will soon be, experiencing a time of happiness and good energy.

To dream that you are sad, actually foretells a happy turn of events. It is a positive dream that means good things are going to happen to you in the near future.

If you dream that someone is angry at you, this indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps a part of you that you don’t acknowledge, is fighting to be heard. This dream is also common when we’ve done something wrong, and feel guilty about it

A dream about marriage means you are feeling balanced and in control of your emotions. The exception is if you dream of being forced into marriage, which means you are having strong doubts about a situation or relationship everyone else thinks is perfect for you.

To dream that you have a crush on somebody is usually a reflection of your real-life attraction to that person.

To dream about a former crush refers to that particular period in your life and what you were feeling. If you dream that somebody has a crush on you, then it represent your own positive sense of worthiness and self-esteem.

A dream about holding hands with someone means that you are needing and willing to develop close friendships. It may also mean you are feeling sexy, or want some physical affection. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch or drifting apart from that person.

To dream that you have a husband (but you do not in your waking life), symbolizes your need for partnership or commitment

A hug is a very pleasant dream symbol. It suggests love and tenderness. It is also symbolic of comfort and protection. The only time that this dream symbol has negative connotations is if you were to be hugged by a very negative person or something that you consider "evil." Otherwise, it is a sweet and comforting dream symbol.

To dream of being kissed often means the dreamer will realize something important that can help them to achieve success in real life. It can also mean that someone you know is not telling you the whole truth.

To dream of a kiss on the cheek, whether you gave or received it, symbolizes kindness and friendship.

If you dream of being kissed by a stranger, then your dream is one of self-discovery. You need to get better acquainted with some aspect of yourself. [i don't know who my "husband" is :\]

To dream that you feel guilty about something, relates to how you are handling your successes and failures in life. You may feel undeserving of your achievements, or on the other hand, you may feel that you have let others down. This dream can also symbolize repressed and negative feelings that you may have about yourself.

If you felt depressed in your dream, this signifies that you have a problem making connections. You are having trouble figuring out the causes of your problems and the consequences of your actions.

To dream that you are running errands signifies happiness and understanding from your family.

To dream of escaping in a dream means you need to face something that you've been avoiding.

You will soon have reason to rejoice if you dreamed about regret.

if you're not in a love relationship in real life, this dream suggests that you are not getting enough affection in your daily life. Hug someone!If you dream of saying "I Love You", you will achieve happiness and contentment the moment you learn to take a realistic approach to life.If someone told you "I Love You" in your dream, you are learning to enjoy what you have and where you are in life. You may also be craving to hear these three little words when you are awake!

To dream of sighing, or hearing a sigh, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and make yourself happy. Try not to dwell on the negative.

To dream that you are staring at something or someone, indicates that you need to take a much closer look at some situation or relationship in your life. Perhaps you need to approach a situation from another angle or viewpoint. This dream may also represents your passivity and suggest that you need to start taking action. To dream that someone is staring at you, suggests that you are hoping someone would look your way more often. It may also represent anxiety or pride.

Running in a dream suggests that you are feeling trapped or pressured in a real life relationship. It can also mean you feel stressed by school or work.

Dreams about being at school often mean you are feeling insecure about your social status, your abilities or your performance in a situation. A dream that takes place in school may also be a metaphor for the lessons you are learning in your life. If you dream of visiting an old school, your unconscious mind is telling you that you have come a long way. Try to consider the lessons you learned in the past, and apply them to your current challenges. Your mind could also be trying to teach you what worked or didn't in the past, so you can change your behavior and be happier in the present.

i seriously think my mind is just trying to get attention from me. (:

8:51 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

11:17 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

YOU SEE!! MOST ENVIABLE??! OMG LA.
and HEH HEH!! i am actually one of the most confident ones wor :DD SEE. WHO WERE THE ONES SAYING I LACK CONFIDENCE LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT. >:(

i win. :D

9:38 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'M DONE EMO-ING. I HATE LOUSY MOOD. UGH.

right. so. went mugging with yuge today. as usual, she saw this guy she thought is cute, and i, very expectedly, disagreed. i realise our tastes in guys are quite different LOL. yup. so she was ogling at the guy all the way while i did random stuff. and crapped with her. a mugging session indeed huh haha.. so yup, ok la, the guy okok only lo. not cute or shuai4 in anyway >< oh and i did something that sent yuge all the way high up into cloud nine:

10:13 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

天空放晴了，不知道现在的我到底是悲观的，还是只是对情感一回事绝望了..

letting go of a lot of things to do with relationship already. i doubt i'll be attached in the near future anyway.

how can one be sure if the words that you hear from another person is true? i know, optimists will tell me, "look, you just need to learn to TRUST."

TRUST. 信任。

i used to be able to just trust any random person even though i may not know them well. look where that trust got me today. 伤痕累累。i'm effing tired already kae.

had a really nice talk with sheena during free period today. talked about.. well.. life. and how unreal it really is. during break we saw this article that really spoke of what i really thought of life, and then sheena hazique and i just, well, started having this discussion about things. like, if life is supposedly unreal, then whatever we get for promos isn't supposed to affect us right? yup, we were joking around with that article but, i guess yup, a lot of things we said really made us think about life. sheena asked, what if everything is just a dream, and then when we finally wake up one day and everything around us disappears and we end up all alone? right. so still being emotional, barely recovered from my emotional breakdown last night, i decided to share with her what i used to think of life. told her how i actually thought life, the life we are actually living.. well, basically, we are actually all alone in our own world. [excuse me i'm having difficulties expressing myself on this kinda things :\] in the sense that we ourselves are the only real individual in out own world and everyone else all around us are, well, nothing. yup. nothing like, nothing. i remember there was once when i was seriously tempted to go hit some random person and tell him/her i don't care if you feel pain or get angry because you aren't real! and well, yup, just stroll off. yes, STROLL OFF. as though nothing happened. not run away in fear of being hit or anything. yes crazy i know. crazy and self-centred. in fact, i thought relationship and love were all about looking for the other half, which is the opposite gender, which is real. (and then yala your family will be real and yadayada la.) that's especially after i read somewhere (and my memory fails me YET again) that a female and a male makes one. something like that. yup. so i thought all you have to do is to find three people in your life - you yourself, your other half, and your best friend and confidante, the only person who really knows you inside out, who you need not hide anything from. it's getting confusing i know. i suck at expressing things la can. yes so, yup you need to find yourself. like, understand yourself and things. in my previous blog (from eons ago), i once posted this certain post and said life is but a game. maybe of self-discovery or whatever it is i don't really know. but yup, it's a game. you proceed through the stages and levels, clearing them all one by one, but nobody ever wins the game. the ending is always the same. it will be "K.O." or "Game Over." at some point in the game. when we lose the game isn't important, because we will all lose the game eventually. in the sense that all of us just die. (i mean, tell me who doesn't die -.-) okay and then sheena shared one of her diary entries with me, which totally spoke of exactly what i was feeling. amazingly accurate portrayal of what i feel. okay la, maybe not perfect but CLOSE. yup all these BUT! she didn't write it when she was emotional and reflective like me she wrote it when she felt, um, philosophical o.o l0l. yup. i'll post that entry later (she gave me the permission to :D) she was, well, extremely pleased with her realisation. haha damn cute la girl. yup, all of us are forever hankering after things, be it materialistic or otherwise. she was, obviously, more capable of putting it all into words than i am. T.T yes, we're all convinced that we will be happy only if we get something we think we really want. no matter how many times we're told to enjoy the process, and not the fruit of your labour or whatever, notice i use convinced and think. yup. but you know what. possessing something isn't what really makes us happy. the happiness and excitement all actually really comes from the process of going after that thing. which is why i realised i won't ever accept a certain donkey that time anyway. (ya yuge julia qianning and mau knows. and i forgot who else. i've got proof kae.) yup. i really saw no point in it. i trusted everything in the hands of my fate. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. otherwise whatever you do to get it you will still never get it. and even if you finally do, you won't be happy. and then you'll lose it again. dumb. yup. so. it's the liking and going after that gave me the thrill i guess. yup. i mean, a simple example will be the following: you see something you really want. a lot. a hell lot. you keep telling your parents how much you want it, pestering them for it, and when they finally get it from you, you're DARN happy. yup, super happy. but notice that that happiness never really ever lasted and before long, you see something else you want and the entire thing repeats itself again. an extremely stupid vicious cycle what we don't really notice but ARE going through all the time. when you really think about it and look at things as an outsider, you'll realise it's actually not being able to get that something that gives you the thrill and holds your interest in it. It's not the acquisition that really matters when it all comes down to it. think about it. when you finally score fantastic results or even full marks, were your parents happy? yup, they were. how long did it last? now you're faltering.. and finally, how long before they started nagging at you to study hard and score another full marks again? see my point? it's not that we can never get enough of anything we're greedy we're never ever satisfied with life. we're all just enjoying the process of getting that something. if it's true that we'll only be happy should we finally get our hands on whateevr it is we thought we're after, why then is it that our wants are never satisfied? why is it never enough? and then relationships (in genreral. it doesn't always have to be BGR. life is more than just about BGRs.). who really realises how much they really love someone until after they lose that relationship or that person? we don't really appreciate things until we lose them. serves us right though.

since young it has been inculcated in us to go after things and ACHIEVING them, that only by achieving what we're after will we feel happy. why do we never learn to really enjoy the process of things, instead of blindly pursuing it, only to feel the kind of happiness that goes away in a matter of moments?

1) who really savours chocolate when they get to eat it?
it's always when we finish it that we want more, wishing we savoured it, relishing the taste and things slowly, isn't it?

2) preparation for SYF and concerts.
we used to complain of how late practices end, how tiring we get.
and when the big day finally comes, all of us panic about the performance, not really thoroughly enjoying it.
it's only when everything ends that we look back and reminisce, wishing we enjoyed it properly, wishing time never passed that quickly, isn't it?

so, sheena's entry:

think of when you first received a gift. the highpoint of the moment just before the wrapping comes off. and most of us like to prolong that moment. once opened, the gift becomes a mundane part of life.
all your life you hanker after those solitaires, enjoying plenty pleasurable moments anticipating the moment you will own them. the moment comes and goes -- and suddenly those solitaires are a possession, a reality of your everyday existence. what then? soon you hanker after something else! for it's that hankering that gives you your adrenaline shots more than the acquisition itself.
if the pleasure is more in the hunt than the acquisition, and anticipation is far more exciting than fulfilment, why does one seek a culmination of desire at all? it is at the point when we are poised on the brink of fulfilment that life's most intensely pleasurable moments reside -- when our desire is just about to be fulfilled. chocolates taste the best between first bite and just moments before you swallow and then... it's over. leaving behind a lingering guilt (you just ate chocolates. how much fats do you think you just consumed?)! there is a deep intensity in that one moment just before anticipation is a deep intensity in that one moment just before anticipation takes the shape of reality. were it possible to string together those moments, the awesome intensity would be unbearable!
"to travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive." living on the edge of discovery, to be poised on the verge, is far more thrilling than the plunge itself. ( imagine standing on the edge of the diving board preparing for a dive.)
however, so focused are we on the destination and so conditioned to be goal-oriented that we forget to enjoy the moments of expectation that awaits is on the brink of fulfilment. right from childhoos we are taught the importance of focusing on and achieving our goals. we are never told to enjoy the journey as he goes along. living on the edge of discovery, standing poised on the verge of achievement is always far more pleasurable than the achievement itself. that is the lesson we all come across again and again in life...
would that love forever ertain the thrill of anticipation and never become a harsh reality? would that moment just before those solitaires are touched remain frozen in time? would that gift remain just one fold beyond the wrapping paper?

food for thought, also by sheena:

"a gaze in time can rekindle memories through a lifetime."...
..."far more than if it was tangible in reality."

and well.. the only constant in life, is change itself.?

{EDIT\}

yuge texted and complained about her friend pangseh-ing her for her boyfriend. and she forwarded me the entire text she sent her friend:
actually you can just try asking yourself how many times this happened already. ask yourself whether you even care a fucking shit about me. maybe if you needed support i'm always there. next time if you know you can't keep a promise then don't tell me that in the first place.

so. yup. and she was crying. :\ after i read that and realised she was crying, i was jolted back in time, back to that day when constance and i fell out.
right, i know the situation is different in the sense that i didn't ps constance since when she asked me to accompany her to a wedding it was last minute and i really couldn't make it. i even found her a companion. but well.. if what i think is right then yup, i didn't think she's think i just don't give a shit about her. ans that's not the case. I REALLY COULDN'T MAKE IT. yup. when i needed support she was there. that i know. and when she needed support i'm sure i tried to be there. but well, these kinda things, you do it, but not everybody will realise it. i know i ps-ed her before, but i always tried to make it if she asked me out. i never do promise 100% that i can make it. i know i ps-ed her before, but they were always for reasons like CCA and etc. things that i can't possibly turn down. i never ps-ed her for my own selfish reasons like, i want to go out with someone else or anything, i can say this with a clear conscience, i never did. she was always first on my list la can. gah. see why i daren't trust others so much now? they misunderstand me and then condemn me for reasons only heavens knows. hai~ i don't know. i do miss her still i guess. our silliness together and all, and being able to cry to her knowing she won't mind and will stand up for me i guess. bla.

saw raymond szekiat and qianning on my way home. not bad. all primary school classmates. :D

mood considerably better i guess, but still very affected by last night T.T guess i need more time eh.

7:38 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

just blasted off at someone. 19pages sent within 2 text messages in total. (Y) that's how pissed off i am. like, OI you think i have nothing better to do than to emo is it. you think i like being so freaking upset? don't fucking comment about being irritated that i'm seemingly emo everyday when you don't know a single pigeon's poo worth of my life. try living it why don't you. #5 most envious? right, try living it why don't you.

but.. yup. when i was blasting off at him, cmoplaining about not knowing who to turn to, i realised i reallyREALLY have no idea who to turn to when i'm in a bad mood. nobody ever really said hey you can turn to me i am more than willing to lend you a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on whenever you need them. no okay. no. niL- nada. zilch. zero. well, at least, nobody ever said that and then made me feel welcome enough and show enough esincerity. either that or i'm just far too sensitive and protective of my own feelings. bloody hell he had the guts to tell me i have low self-confidence. please. think about it. maybe it's not because i have low self-confidence but because you have far too much of it that you think i have none. too much of it makes a person byl if you haven't realised. sorry if i'm pissing you off or anything. i'm just darn angry now.

AND I CAN SAFELY SAY NOBODY LIVING HERE RIGHT NOW UNDERSTANDS ME AT ALL. maybe not even myself. that's how irritating i'm getting with myself.

right he just replied: hmm you are thinking too much. try not thinking. ok that won't work. try doing some stuff that'll help you forget those stuff. sleeping helps too. right. wait long long ah. ch. that's just freaking running away from everything it's not a solution. and i'm not freaking thinking about the same thing repeatedly. i'm trying to look for a solution. you know, to solve everything? i'm not the kind to run away from things and pray they settle themselves soon. i'm clear that will never work. it's none of your effing business anyway. you're most probably just pretending to be nice because you feel bad that i said i'm having a freaking major breakdown. tell me i'm accusing you and thinking too much why don't you. i'm convinced what i think is pretty close to the truth. right i know i'm being harsh and things butlet me just reiterate one thing: I'M FREAKING TIRED.

whathefuck.

11:59 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

right. so. however unhappy and emo i may be feeling now, i'm really glad at least i got a few things clear. i'm going to mention names i care no more already.

1) Jonathan Ho Chin Kiat. I'm really really more than over you you crazy egoistic bastard. siao. I don't care what happened in the past, I don't care what's going on in your life now, I just want myself a happier person. GET THAT CLEAR. I don't care if there was ever love between us, because as far as I'm concerned, there is NONE left now.

2) ok should i give the name? BAH OKAY FINE I WILL NOT. look mister, i don't care whether you have a girlfriend, but PLEASE. if you really want to be a nice friend, if you really are willing to lend me your ears and listen to my rants, then show some sincerity. not "it's ok. i'm used to it already" or "ok i'm glad to hear that." when i tell you i'm sorry my tone sounds unfriendly or if im whiny and when i tell you i feel a lot better after letting some secret that i kept with me for two bloody years out and didn't realise until now how much it has been tormenting me and my conscience. those two lines so did not help tyvm. i hate it when people (and i really mean ANYBODY) tell me yes they really do care as my friend and then give me all kinds of bochup nonsense, pretending to listen when they obviously aren't and then completely daoing me for god knows what reason. i know, you can tell me i'm making some stupid accusations of you here but well, sorry if i really am then. but that's the feeling you've been giving me. i'm not trying to argue or anything. i'm just really sick of people who are only pretending to care.

read theodore's blog yesterday and found this line: THE MORE TIME WE HAVE, THE LESS TIME WE HAVE. right. i didn't make any sense out of it yesterday, and neither do i know what he meant when he said that, but in my current interpretation (it struck me just now :\), because we are given a lot of time, we tend to think ooh we still have a lot of time it's okay let's just take our time do things slowly and never actually get around to do any proper planning as to how we were going about to do our things and hence, never actually getting any work done, until when it suddenly hits us that omg the deadline's fast approaching we do not have much time left AND HENCE! in that sense, i conclude that the more time we have, the less time we (actually) have. does that make sense? :\ okay la i have no idea how i'm supposed to go about explaining it la!

moving on to my next point. love and relationship. ask me what i think of them now and this will be my answer: "a girl's childhood fantasies that will never come true. in short, a load of bullshit." yup, i have nearly absolutely no faith in it now. i'll bet you, any of you in a relationship now, given our age, that three to five years down the road if you're still together, it'll mainly be nothing but a sense of obligation and maybe even a habit.

so. i've finally gotten a few things clear. and i don't know if i'm happy. i feel.. weird. not used to it.? hmm.. maybe? bah. so. i'm not interested in anyone, not the five year plus thingo way back, not jonathan, not that guy i dated in sec3, and not even this certain baboon, PLEASE GET THAT CLEAR IN YOUR HEADS. thankyou. it's irritating when someone you used to like or never even fancied before thinks you're hopelessly in love with them. it feels weird to suddenly not like anyone la l0l :\ and i guess, yup, reverting to the keep-to-myself me once again, not really going out with anybody. that kinda life isn't too bad you know. you get more time with yourself and really do some reflections. hai. why am i still feeling so melancholic? haiiiiiiii~ eh wait. i still have an eyecandy ma. HAHA! okay sorry. i've never given a shit about eyecandies. :\ blaa~ or maybe.. just not used to not having anyone's interest and not being interested in anyone? BLAA~

10:09 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

5:58 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.

pardon me for this sudden outburst of madness but. HAH! HAHAHA! serves you right jonathanhochinkiat. stupid arrogant bastard. i know you may not be sure what i'm talking about, i know nobody knows what i'm talking about, but i'm sure yuge has at least a vague idea of what i'm talking about, and that's enough. (:

seriously. hahaha! kindness begets kindness, just as evil doers get their fair share of crap (:

goodness man. what i found out sure sent me into a whirlpool, and got me freaking agitated and things. god, i despise her right deep into my marrow man. just as i detest you right to the core. ((: bitches and bastards DO deserve each other. that about sums up everything. i'm really glad i walked away the way i did instead of letting myself cling onto the hopes you gave me. guess that's what all egoistic bastards need eh, more girls liking them to boost their already mega sized ego. well, count me out. i won't even begin on that girl of yours. neither will i go on about you. *disgusted*

and eh. i think some certain person read my blog. someone i thought will never even know the existence of it. 0.0 so what now. S-H-I-T. that's what. ugh. got myself into crap. T.T just, well, hopefully that person doesn't get the wrong idea. *bangs head against wall*

only.. i don't know. shuttup about relationships already. i'm through with it for now. sickening and tiring. dead beat already. that stupid emo post is being deleted because i cannot bring myself to believe how weak and lousy i am. and it was posted when my head wasn't clear anyway so it doesn't deserve to be there. ugh.

TO SOMEONE WHO WAS COMPLAINING I'M FREAKING EMO ON MY BLOG: THERE YOU GO. DELETED MY MOST EMO POST ALREADY. (my head was unclear laa :\) CAN? TSKTSK. *shakes head*

{EDIT\}

that crazy ho came and bullshitted his head off with me just now. -.- (Y) win liao lo. still that stupid arrogant piece of junk that he is. you crazy person we'll see who gets the last laugh. stupid liar. we'll see how embarassed you'll get. in the near future. which i doubt is very far off. fuck.

{EDIT\}

and i'm never letting anything affect me or my emotions anymore. !@#$%^&*()

{EDIT\}

or maybe.. one last chance. if this doesn't turn out good i'm NEVER relying on anyone for comfort or even just to let out my pent-up frustrations anymore.

5:14 PM.
zhiyu;
the notCool, notCalm, notCollected.